Malam minggu ini diisi dengan... kegabutan. I'm definitely gonna regret this as soon as I finished this post. But man, what do people say about guilty pleasure, huh? It is a pleasure after all. So... meh.

H-18 SBMPTN 2013. And once again, I have this oh-my-god-the test's-only-an-inch-away syndrome. Which causes pegal-pegal pengen cepetan melalui ini semua. Galau gue sebenarnya tiap hari. Gue masih kurang yakin dengan diri gue sendiri. Tapi waktu itu ada yang bilang, "Gimana Allah mau bantu kalo lo sendiri aja ga percaya?". Tapi sob.... huft. Jadi, misi utama gue adalah build a confidence and have faith.

Cut it to the chase. Actually the reason why I suddenly have the urge to write a post is because I've just read my friend's blog. And what passed through my mind was, "Damn she's good." So, that's why I'm so putting Ilmu Hukum on my choice list for sbmptn instead of Ilmu Komunikasi. No, I'm kidding. But, yeah. I really did think that. So in other words, I'm still typing because of the euphoria from reading that blog. Well, euphoria sounds too much, eh. So, what? ah! Sensation. I can still feel this tickling sensation on my fingertips.


I was going through my list of posts, and I just remembered that I have 3 posts remain drafts. And after I reread it, I still don't wanna publish it. Cause man, pfftt. It's so last year. *spik*. But yeah, actually, I've overcame it. Eventually, I guess. Well maybe, because most of my mind were pirated by all kind of tests lately that I end up forgetting it. Thank God.


I'm jealous. Envy, actually. For people who have dreams. Cause I pathetically don't have one. Not even now. And pathetically-er I just realized this recently when my friend was talking about her turmoil about making a chance to rationalized her dreams or not, and about her thoughts about us being a dead fish if we just go with the flow without even have a slight urge to make our own flow. And I, felt extremely.. stupid. I told her that, for me it's just how lives are. We are bound to every obstacles, to conquered them, in order to go to the next level, so that we can move on with our life, just like a game. And that's what my friend exactly said, a dead fish. What a retard. I am indeed.
But then, what makes me a retard is not because I'm a dead fish. It's because I'm not even alive. I don't have dream for god's sake. I practically don't live if I don't have something to keep me going do I? I am not some kinda animal which live their life just to eat, sleep, and breed am I? Am I not?
And being an usual-strereotype-me, I tried to deny it. I thought about some alibis, but nothing makes sense. I am as hopeless as a newly hatched baby turtle (mash sempet-sempetnya sok imut). But the only thing that can make me feel like "Man, I knew it! This is (I think) my passion!" is writing. I like to write (or rather, type. No, seriously I hate writing when making a story, I def type.). I like to pour some scene and cliche into it. And I like to imagine my life is part of it. Or even, the centre of it. Hahaha. ewh.
So, YEAY!!??? I think I finally got the goddamn solution! I am indeed enjoying writing. And I really enjoying reading! Of course! Man I suddenly feel overjoyed. NYAKAKKA might burn the house if I get to excited like this. Gonna keep calm.

Oh, just so you know. My other passion or actually, a dream (might be) is singing. Which is just definitely gonna remain a dream. Cause you know, dream and reality is aloof by a very thin line-you might not even see. But for me, I can see the line very clearly like it's made of steel. It feels so cold and so heavy. Dragging us even further to our deepest dream. We gotta watch it, or we might fall too deep that we can't find our way back.
The walls are too high for us to climb back. And the air is so thin that suffocates us to our eternal sleep. And what the hell am I writing about. Shit hahahaa. Man I screwed up. Always, inspiration never knock and never stays too long. It just don't wanna. When you lose its grip. Poof. You'll lost it. You lost the sensation, the feeling, the words. They just sunk into absence. And there I'm at it again. Shit I sound like an idiot :(

Forget the last paragraph.

Should it?

Harusnya gaperlu usaha buat ketawa bareng mereka, gaperlu mikir buat ngobrol bareng mereka, gaperlu cemas mikirin gimana sikap lo di antara mereka. Harusnya gitu kalo mereka emang sahabat.

Mungkin lamanya waktu ga menentukan ikatan apa yang terbentuk, mungkin malah karena lamanya waktu ikatan itu malah justru mengendor. Termakan usia, orang biasanya bilang begitu. Tapi kalo buat kasus yang satu ini sih mestinya menguat ya. Tapi gatau juga deng. Karena setelah menganalisis lingkungan sekitar gue dan menganalisis praktek yg ada di lingkungan gue dan gue menemukan tidak ada yang aneh dengan "lingkungan" gue, berarti salahnya ada di gue.

Gue bingung juga sebenernya. Sedih sih lebih tepatnya. Capek aja mikir apa yang salah dari gue saat di satu sisi mungkin gue terlalu naif. Atau mungkin egois. Oh atau mungkin malah self-centered.
Guntar bilang sih gitu, mugkin emang bener. It's from other's perspective afterall. So who am I to object it.

Pengen curhat tentang ini, cuman bingung ke mana. Coba ini luar negeri ya. Pengen konsultasi ke psikiater. Pengen curhat doang sih sebenernya. Pengen tanya apa yang salah, di mana salahnya, gimana perbaikinnya. Udah macem progres inten aja.

Judulnya masih sama dengan sebelumnya.
Galau selamanya.

For how long?

It sucks. When you feel everyone is just as annoying as nyonyo. When you feel that everything is wrong. Every single thing that people do is WRONG. And you feel like stabbing all of them hard to the core. It's called pms. And that's what exactly i'm going through right now, at this very time. And i hate everyone within 0,5 metre radius from me, including mas2 108 karena kelamaan ngomong waalaikumsalam.
Sharusnya gue bisa as chill as i've been selama ini. Cuman kali ini kayaknya udah klimaks bgt i barely hold on. Saat lo ngerasa semuanya itu payah dan worthless, dan rese dan ngeseli dan segala macamnya (lo sebutin aja satu kamus hal2 yang ngebetein dalam berbagai bahasa), tiba2 semua hal yg ngebetein itu ilang kayak keisep blackhole trs lo akan mulai mikirin hal2 di luar hal2-yg-ngebetein tadi. Things that youve been hiding for quite long. Things that you just dont want to discuss but you cant deny that you still craving for the solution itself. Things that you pretend never happened. Things that seems so blurry that when you try to recall it, it feels so hurt. Things that come up in my mind suddenly and replace all of today's-suck-things and in the end, made me cry (out loud).
Sebenernya sih ga keluar2 amat ya air matanya cuman semua hal2 ketek itu cukup membuat gue tremble sambil sesek kesakitan, kedengeran lebay emang tapi memang begitu yg gue rasain. Di saat hati lo yang menangis tak bisa digambarkan lewat air mata lo. Wakaka ketai.
Yah pokoknya suck aja semua suck. Gue sedih mikirin hal yang seharusnya ga gue pikirin dan emang ga ada abisnya jadi cuman wasting soul aja kl dipikirin.
Galau selamanya ini mah.

Quiet

Baby says I can't come with him

And I had read all of this in his eyes

Long before he even said so

Why go, I asked

You know and I know why

And it'll be just as quiet when I leave

As it was when I first got here

I don't expect anything

I don't expect anything

Take care

I've been hurt before

Too much time spend on closing doors

You may hate me, but I'll remember to love you

Goodbye

Don't cry

You know why

And it'll be just as quiet when I leave

As it was when I first got here

I don't expect anything

I don't expect anything

All the waves of blame arrange as broken scenery

As they steal your best memories away

What if I was someone different in your only history?

Would you feel the same

As I walk out the door

Never to see your face again

Never to see your face again

And it'll be just as quiet when I leave

As it was when I first got here

It'll be just as quiet when I leave

As it was when I first got here

I don't expect anything

I don't expect anything

I don't expect anything

I don't expect anything

I don't expect anything

I don't expect anything to change when I leave

-Quiet by Rachael Yamagata

I found this song really.. hurtful?painful?suffocating?

It's just so sad.

And I knew this from HIMYM soundtrack.

My Corner

One of my favorite and best spot in my house. The corner of my Living Room.
What's so great about it? It's because there is air conditioner, comfy sofa and last but the best is the way that sun shines through the window is just perfect.
A book and a corner in my living room is one of my heaven on earth. I can sit all day and night long there just to read a book or some books. And after I've finished one, I feel so great and leaving the living room like a boss~

And by the way I still have 4 new books. 2 of them are still wrapped and the other 2 are read. But only a couple of pages...... But I swear I'll finish them all!
Oh one of them is about fantasy, the title is The Leap by Jonathan Stroud who happen to be my one of my fav author. He's the Bartimaeus Trilogy's author which happened to be one of the bestseller novel. Yes it is. Yes he did it.
One of them is about true story, it called "Tuesdays With Morrie" by Mitch Albom. I've bought another book of mitch called "For one more time" 3 weeks ago and yes I like it a lot. Why? I like his way of telling story, it's just cool and easy reading. For me... And he's not just any author, his book tuesdays with morrie is a bestseller too.
Two of them are about romance.
The first one is "Antologi Rasa" by Ika Natassa. A local writer. Haven't heard of her name but I like the synopsis so I decided to bring that book along with me. And to be honest, I'm really looking forward to read that book...
The second is "Infinitely Yours" by Orizuka. It's about cosmological something I dnt understand. It's tisya's thingy. And it has korean taste. Lot of it I guess.. I think that whole book is about korean-_- whatever I still think it's a good read anyway~

That's all about my current new books and I think it's about time to continue my reading. So see ya!


Astrid Larasati